Edition 2

Trump takes new job at Clinique Counter

Former President accepts job as makeup artist at South Florida Mall

Former President Donald Trump, only weeks after leaving the White House, will be joining the Clinique Counter at a Saks Fifth Avenue department store as a makeup artist beginning in March. As a former reality-show star and high-profile politician, Trump is no stranger to having his makeup done, often in a familiar orange hue.

“I always wondered what it would be like on the other side of those brushes and applicators,” Trump said during a recent interview with The Wet Gazette at his Mar-a-Lago estate. “It’s always been a dream of mine…a very secret dream…a very big, BIG secret dream of mine. I’m excited about turning another page in my life…a very great life…a very successful life. But I need something to do beyond golf, searching for lost votes, and agitating Democrats. So this made sense.”

We asked the ex-president the specifics about his duties, and this was his response.

“These rich, lovely ladies will be strolling through the mall, sniffing the perfume like Joe Biden sniffing a ten-year-old. And that’s when I’ll pop up from behind the counter. It will be a grand counter,” Trump added. “A very, very grand counter. A counter the likes of which you’ve never seen before. A beautiful counter!” The President paused for effect, eyeing us shrewdly before continuing. “That’s when we reel them in, offering a makeover. I can hardly wait to get started.”

We inquired if the former world leader had any experience in this field or whether he’d be flying blindly like he did during his presidency.

“Well, you probably don’t know this, but I spent dozens of evenings during the waning days of my term with Melania in the Executive Residence, doing her foundation, blush, and eyeliner. I got really good at it…really, really good at it…great, in fact.”

We asked Trump if he would be bringing any creative or innovative ideas to his new vocation.

“I’m glad you asked that. That’s a great question…such a great question. And the answer is, yes, I have some terrific ideas…super ideas…ideas no one has ever had before. So here’s what we did. We thought of how we could use some of the makeup schemes I’ve used in the past and name them. It would be like a line of makeup hues and colors. The tried and true orange I’ve used for years will be called the Cheeto, obviously, and we are going to dull the Cheeto two different shades and call those the Frito and the Dorito. We also have a pale yellow we’ll call the Lay’s…the Lay’s potato chip. These rich, old gals will love it…really love it…like love-love it!”

We pressed the former occupant of the Oval Office regarding the rumor that he had actually bought the parent company out, that he realized it was the only way he could secure a job.

“That’s nonsense,” he said. “The company came to me. I didn’t go to them. They came to me because they love their former president. People love me. Did you see all those rallies?”

We pressed harder, asking again if he didn’t use his vast riches to gain an edge. The Donald peered at us suspiciously, narrowing his beady little eyes before responding.

“Fake news,” Trump bellowed. “It’s all fake news!”

Thoughts and Prayers

Decades-long friendship destroyed when thoughts and prayers chain broken on Facebook

Cindy Merkele and Daphnie Bridges have been best of friends since their middle school days in the late 90s. But no longer. The two former besties had a falling out after Ms. Merkele failed to adhere to an unspoken but well-understood policy of offering “thoughts and prayers” on a recent whining tirade by Bridges.

The thirty-eight-year-old unmarried Bridges added a Facebook post last week addressing concerns about a ticking biological clock and the lack of a male suitor to accommodate her maternal needs. When the married mother of two, Mrs. Merkele, failed to respond, Bridges became unhinged. The former co-captains for the junior varsity cheerleading squad at Pembroke High in Kenosha, who had been inseparable since their teenage years, have called it quits.

“I’ll never speak to her again,” claimed Bridges. “I can’t believe she betrayed me like this! I made the post last Tuesday, and by Wednesday, there wasn’t a peep from Cindy—not even a little care or heart emoji. I mean, that’s like the basic, unspoken requirement. Everyone knows this. The nerve!”

When we here at The Wet Gazette inquired as to whether Bridges had reached out to Merkele regarding the misunderstanding, here was her response.

“Reach out? To that snotty bitch? No way! What she did—or didn’t do—is unforgivable. You have to understand,” Daphnie Bridges sniveled. “Cindy broke the golden rule within our group. We have each other’s backs. We support each other. Don’t you understand?”

Ms. Bridges then offered tangible data to prove her claims.

“When our friend, Christine, had to take her sick cat to the vet last week, Cindy was right there, offering thoughts and prayers for Kitty boo-boo. And when our old pal, Dianne, had severe anxiety about a job interview, Cindy was there again, offering love and compassion. Then there was Jennifer, who went on three dates with a guy she really liked. When he didn’t call back, Jennifer was crestfallen. Well, Cindy was Johnny-on-the-spot with a crying emoji and comforting words. Trust me, I monitor this stuff,” Ms. Bridges said, overstating the obvious. “But when I took the time to write a five-paragraph essay on Facebook about my frustration of being almost forty and childless—bearing my soul, she was silent. I even proofread my essay three times. I put a lot of heartfelt time and effort into my post. But that asshole, Cindy, couldn’t be bothered. Crickets!! I waited almost thirty hours, checking back every fifteen minutes to see if she’d weighed in. Nope. Too much trouble for ole Cindy!”

The Wet Gazette caught up with Cindy Merkele, haggard in sweats and a worn T-shirt at her daughter’s soccer practice. She sat in the back of her minivan, trying to help her grade-school-aged son with his homework.

“Look,” she said in an exasperated voice. “There’s like an unwritten but understood limit for needy posts on Facebook, and Daphnie always crosses the line. She gripes and groans about every little thing on social media…I mean, we all do,” she added with a weak smile. “But Daphnie will complain about something nearly a dozen times a day. It dilutes the exposure for the petty bitching the rest of us do. The members of our group are getting fed up, so I put my foot down. I expect the others to follow. You know, it distracts from our posts and it’s just not fair, dammit! I’m done with her.”

When we tracked down Ms. Bridges for additional comments, she had surprisingly little to say, but she did have this to add.

“If I ever run into Cindy Merkele again, I guarantee you this. She’s gonna need some thoughts and prayers!”

What do you say?

What’s your opinion on pillow talk?

Ferrin Finklestein:
Pillow talk? I’d love it if a pillow could talk…then she and the pillow could have a conversation, and my tired ass could go to sleep.
Kelly Sliquepearl:
After I dominate, emasculate, and bounce my husband around the bedroom, I like to shift gears with my little bitch and enjoy the intimacy of snuggling, sweet nothings, and, of course, pillow talk.
Muhammed Lowdkweeph:
It’s been six years since I’ve enjoyed the company of a woman. My pillow is all I have left.