Edition 3

Menu a la Mundane

Couple has unsurprisingly average meal in mediocre restaurant

Dylan Avogadro decided to switch things up on his girlfriend of three years and take her to The Olive Garden instead of The Red Lobster for their dating anniversary this last time around. Forsaking the seafood chain for some Italian cuisine, the couple spent Wednesday evening dining on some mysterious-looking dishes that ended in names like Alfredo and Florentino. The Wet Gazette caught up with the thirtyish couple for comment as they strolled through the parking lot towards Dylan’s dusty Toyota Corolla.

“We’ve been dining at The Red Lobster for our past two anniversaries,” Avogadro stated. “I wanted to change things up for Shelley and me. Like…there’s only so much popcorn shrimp a fella can consume anyway. Besides, we have been eating at The Red Lobster sometimes on Sundays with my parents after church. It didn’t hurt that I had a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for The Olive Garden either. I mean, dang! Money doesn’t grow on trees.”

We asked Shelley McBannister to describe her meal.

“I got one of those pasta dishes with that creamy white sauce on it,” she said. “It was okay until I got about halfway through, and then the noodles were kind of hard and stuck together. And by that time, the Alfredo sauce had congealed into a rubbery film that looked like a shoe insert. I threw my napkin over the remains while Dylan was focused on waving down the waiter for another glass of their forgettable white wine.”

Dylan shrugged and added this.

“I really didn’t expect much, nor did I expect it to suck. That’s pretty much what I got. I ordered this stuff with meat and cheese and bread crumbs. It was solid but not spectacular. I mean, the bread crumbs were really just the broken-up croutons we got on our salads…like, they were kinda broken up, but the cook must have gotten a little lazy because there were definitely a couple large chunks on top of my food. As far as the rest of it went? The dish had an okay flavor until I got to the center, where I discovered the microwave must not have totally thawed it. But, hey, I was taught to eat was put before me, and it wasn’t like the meal was so frozen that I chipped a tooth or something.”

We asked about dessert and after a moment’s hesitation, Dylan deferred to his nondescript girlfriend.

“It was fine, I guess. We split a cannoli because our coupon only covered one after-dinner confection. I think they skimped on the chocolate chips a bit, and the pastry seemed a little dry. But otherwise, it was almost worth finishing.”

When Mr. Avogadro looked as if he wanted to add something, we switched our attention to him.

“One of the spoons our server brought over for dessert was a bit suspect too. It appeared to have a little cheese stuck to it, along with a speck of paper napkin. I tried to flag down the waiter but ended up just soaking my utensil in the untouched tap water sitting on the table and got most of it to peel off.”

Before we let the couple go, we inquired if they might consider returning to The Olive Garden to celebrate next year.

“I doubt it. I’ve lacked in the currency department lately. I think we might try the snack bar at Target next year,” Dylan stated, as Shelley McBannister looked on, beaming half-heartedly before climbing into the passenger seat of Dylan’s car.

Lost in Translation

Pennsylvania man cracks dialect code of East Texas woman

Francis Larraposki, a linguistics Ph.D. candidate at Villanova University, has successfully decoded over eighty percent of dialect irregularities of an East Texas woman. During a recent trip to Blossom, Texas, a small, rural community northeast of Dallas, Larraposki encountered twenty-one-year-old Sara Beth Cunningham, who inspired the research.

“I was struck by her right away,” Larraposki stated. “She was stunningly beautiful, pleasant, and I sensed she was both smart and funny. Trouble was, I couldn’t understand half of what she said.”

We dug into Ms. Cunningham’s past and discovered she is a lifetime resident of Blossom, graduating from a local high school and subsequently achieving an Associate’s degree at nearby Paris Junior College. The young woman grew up on a farm, raising chickens and dairy cows. According to Larraposki, she was a most interesting case study.

“Basically, we had to move around with Sara Beth in her daily activities and listen to her talk…and boy could she talk. It was like having the radio on, but that was okay because it was beneficial to the study. In the end, we watched and listened, putting together context clues during the two days we studied her. And personally, it was great for me because I ended up falling in love with her. We are planning a wedding in the fall.”

Larraposki has since released his thesis, and we here at The Wet Gazette thought it would be instructive to show a sample of words the Ph.D. candidate successfully decoded.

Oil = Ul                              Can’t = Kaint

On = Own                         Cold = Code

Tight = Tat                          Biology = Bology

Shoulder = Shoder           Group = All Y’all

Family = Mom’n’nem        Sprite = Sprat

Ice = Ass                          Lightning = Latnen

Boiled = Bulled             Condiments = Fixins

Jeremy = Germy (that’s her gross little brother)

Will = Wheel (always after three beers)

Won’t = Won’t (she pronounces this correctly, especially when angry)

There were pages and pages of words, but we thought these were some of the best examples. The young scholar commented further.

“I mean, I still have to carry around the translation dictionary I created,” Larraposki admitted. “But I’m starting to pick up on a few words and phrases and can even accurately use several in a complete sentence now. It’s been an amazing education.”

We asked Larraposki if there had been any obstacles while dating the young woman.

“Sure, when I took her to meet my parents, I basically had to translate for them, but by the end of the weekend, my mom was catching on to Sara Beth’s vernacular, and even conversing with her; they seemed to get along real well. My dad mostly ignored my new fiancé like he does everyone else.”

We inquired if we can expect any future publications, perhaps for profit.

“Absolutely,” Larraposki said. “I’m putting together an after dark version…R-rated, of course. That should be fun! I expect it to be most helpful for any guy courting a girl from East Texas!”

What do you say?

What’s your opinion on vitamins?

Ferrin Finklestein
I ran out of vitamins a week ago and starting taking my wife's. Now my tits are sore, I'm menstruating, and angry about stuff that happened three years ago.
Kelly Sliquepearl
What a waste! These big drug and pharma companies produce nothing but high-priced urine, gouging the public like the capitalists pigs they are. If you people ate a healthier, organic diet, you might just live longer.
Muhammed Lowdkweeph
I take the advice of my hero and savior, Dr. Anthony Fauci, who said we should all take a daily multi-vitamin…then he said we shouldn’t…then he said we should…then we shouldn’t again…I’m so confused.