Edition 4

Got Coin?

Biden Administration issues federal order allowing Chuck E. Cheese coins to be used as currency in US

The Biden Administration on Thursday issued an executive order making Chuck E. Cheese coins legal tender currency for commerce within The United States and its territories for all goods and services. The new order is to take place immediately, allowing the outdated coins with the iconic top-hatted mouse to have real monetary value for all Americans. A twenty-five-cent token will now have the buying power of ten dollars.

Since the popular party outfit began discontinuation of the bronze tokens in late 2019, the coins have been piling up in junk drawers, dressers, and laundry rooms across the nation. Kitty Jones of Richmond, Virginia, had this to say.

“We had tons of those things. It seemed like every time we took Chip and Buffy to Chuck E. Cheese for a kid’s birthday party, I’d find a handful of those tokens in the dryer a few days later. I gathered them up from all over the house and counted 251 of those coins. That’s over $2500!” the suburban mom explained.

The Wet Gazette caught up with White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki for comment.

“Americans continue to hurt in the wake of the Coronavirus Pandemic, and President Biden wanted to affect real compensation for the nation’s citizens…and undocumented immigrants…in fact, if undocumented immigrants can document that they’re undocumented, they can double the value of the coin, making it worth $20.”

We inquired if the administration worried about the overall effect on the dollar and if they had a handle on how many coins were out there.

“I’ll take the last question first,” Psaki said. “We estimate over 500 million Chuck E. Cheese coins in circulation. I mean…everyone has them, right? What parent in the past twenty years hasn’t spent a miserable Saturday afternoon in that bacteria-infected facility? Those coins are everywhere.”

We pressed Psaki for the effect on the dollar, noting that it was an infusion of at least five billion dollars into the system. The press secretary seemed unconcerned.

“We don’t worry about those things,” she said. “Like every other administration, we’ll just punt that ball down the line, watch the problems accumulate exponentially, and let someone else pretend to figure out the solution. That’s what big government does best. I think it’s likely that future administrations will be creating more useless bureaucracies, wasting taxpayer dollars, and investigating what caused everything to run backwards. If nothing else, we are good at that! In the meantime, we just effortlessly rocketed billions of dollars into the pockets of average Americans, who will now surely vote to keep our party in power for years to come.”

We asked the press secretary if other forms of currency might be pumped into the system in the near future, say Monopoly money, for example. Psaki stepped over to a Whiteboard and circled a picture of the kiddie coin.

“For now, we are focused on Chuck E. Cheese. But we may consider other currencies in the future.”

The spokesperson then drew a rather impressive rendering of play money, added a parenthetical arc from the bottom up, bordering the cash, and made her parting remarks.

“Monopoly Money seems like a real possibility, but I’ll need to circle back on that.”

Twelve-Step Trickery

Non-alcoholic man admits to attending AA just for the free coffee

Twenty-nine-year-old Aaron Krenitsky confessed over the weekend to attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings solely to score free coffee.  Finally confronted by the steering committee of the We Ain’t Saints group, an AA chapter in suburban St. Louis, Krenitsky confirmed his affinity for the steaming brew drove him blindly. The group, with over sixty members, has been gathering for nearly fifteen years and is relatively successful helping its attendees stay sober. The founding members were stunned and still reeling from the deception.

Group Treasurer, John A., told The Wet Gazette that they were undecided on how to handle the infiltration.

“Aaron had been attending for nearly two months before we became suspicious,” he stated. “Most AA meetings serve coffee and sometimes place a platter of cookies alongside the Styrofoam cups from which our members drink. Aaron would help himself to several cups, grab a handful of cookies, and sit in the back of the room…often surfing on his phone and refusing to participate in the discussion. When it became evident that he wasn’t contributing to the basket we pass around for donations at the end of the meetings, some of our members went on high alert. The fact that he rarely stayed for the entire meeting was another tip-off.”

Mary Kate P., a thirty-three-year-old member for the past five years, added her own experience with Aaron.

“He seemed really sweet and all. I thought he was cute too, despite the brownish stains on his teeth. I even invited him over to my apartment a few times,” she said shyly, blushing a deep red and clearly embarrassed at the humiliating turn of events. “Sometimes a girl just can’t help herself, and it’s not like I can pick up guys in a bar anymore. Besides, he was great in the sack and could stay awake all night.”

When we caught up with Aaron at a nearby Dunkin Donuts, where he is now forced to at least temporarily pay for his coffee habit, the young man was surprisingly forthcoming.

“I couldn’t resist,” he explained. “There was something oddly romantic about sitting in a dank church basement, sipping coffee, and listening to some of the wild stories people told. This one old guy got drunk, passed out, and lost his dentures. When he sobered up, he discovered the dog was chewing on them. And there was this other lady. She claimed she continued to get drunk because one of her boobs was larger than the other. You can’t make this stuff up. It was great entertainment!”

We pressed Krenitsky for more.

“The coffee sucked, but it was free,” he said. “I think one of the old-timers used his socks to clean out the pot. But, hey, it was the caffeine rush I was after anyway, and the meeting provided that and more.”

We hoped to procure additional comments, but that was when Krenitsky stood.

“Sorry, guys, but I gotta run. I need to find a new AA meeting. It seems there is one on the Southside located in a historic building. This particular group refers to itself as Chock full o’Nuts. That sounds promising!”

What do you say?

What do you think about canceling Dr. Seuss?

Ferrin Finklestein
I can’t stand rap music! I’d like to see them all canceled…Dr. Dre, Dr. Seuss, all of them…higgity biggity yikkity yakkity. You know what I’m saying, yo?
Kelly Sliquepearl
The Seuss Estate is using this ploy To sell more books to all girls and boys It’s a scheme to make money—a slight of the hand Whether it’s “The Cat in the Hat” or “Green Eggs and Ham”
Muhammed Lowdkweeph
I have all the Dr. Seuss books, and when I’m sad, my mother comes down to my basement bedroom and reads “Marvin K. Mooney will You Please Go Now” to me.